When sex is involved, the dynamics of a relationship can and will usually change. Being an adult and dating as an adult, I felt that sex was something to be discussed. I’m very open to conversations and talking about feelings.
When I said no to sex, everything seemed fine. He didn’t react in any way and even texted me the next morning. I was surprised. I was surprised because things can get a little awkward when it’s rejected. Was my abruptness and assumption about being left out in the cold too much this time? Did I take it too far?
The First Mini Argument.
He was irritated and went as far as to say that he wouldn’t try to have sex with me anymore. That wasn’t the point I was trying to make.
Although I am from a younger generation, I have old school views on sex. It has to mean something to me. I need a genuine connection and need to feel as if it’s valued—not just something to do with someone.
“Guess I’m nobody then.” He was taking it out of context! And that upset me because it’s not what I said nor what I meant. I couldn’t understand what was making him react that way. I decided to stop texting and let things cool off.
The First Silent Treatment.
I didn’t hear from him for three days. I texted him the day after the miscommunication to try and clarify things but no answer. Two days after, I sent him a text to see if we could talk. I hated the fact that things were left out of context and left unresolved. It made me feel horrible as time passed. I then tried calling him three days later and he finally answered.
His demeanor was so different. He was open to speaking and listened what I had to say. It was as if he had a complete change of heart. I thought he just needed to clear his head, but what was really weird to me was that it took this long for him to get over it.
The First Love Bomb: Upgrade to “Baby.”
About a week later, he was officially calling me baby. I don’t know about you but when someone you’ve been talking to calls you baby, that’s a big step. It’s a step that makes it a little more official—not completely official, but a step towards getting a little bit more serious about each other.
I would get a good morning text like clockwork. He’d ask about how my day went and seem extremely empathetic to what I was going through. He was super engaged when I told him about my day and the stories I shared. It was like I found my dream man—one that listens, engages and actually cares about what I do and the things I have to say.
The First Gaslighting.
I realized that I was out of weed and of course, I had to refill my stash. I remembered one night when we were smoking in my car, we had a conversation about him selling weed. He even told me that if I needed some, to let him know. I was supposed to go over to his house later that evening so I texted him that I would take him up on the offer.
“Wait what? What offer?” I literally had to break it down and tell him that I wanted to buy weed from him because I was running out. When I got to his house, I explained it all over again. I described where we were, what we were talking about and the exact words he had used.
“Nope. We never talked about that. You have me confused with someone else.” I knew this wasn’t true because I wasn’t talking to anyone else. It made me think twice. Maybe my memory was off because of the fact that we were high or maybe the stress that I was experiencing at work was causing my Lupus brain fog to act up. I could have sworn up and down that we had that conversation but the other part of me felt like I had to trust him. Why would he lie to me? That wouldn’t make sense…
To My Readers:
These were small events that seemed insignificant at the time, but later learned that things would progress. I was just the beginning stages—a feel for what was really to come.
You may or may not be able to relate to these scenarios or even recognize them. This is known as the cycle of abuse. It’s a vicious cycle that gives power to the abuser over their victims.
I’ll be posting more about the cycle of abuse on Monday. See you then!