Episode 8: Blame Shifting.

After the first physical abuse incident, things were starting to go downhill fast. Emotional abuse was immensely used towards me in the relationship. My abuser could never take responsibility for anything. And when he knew he was wrong, that didn’t matter because he never apologized. He just ignored it and talked about the next subject as if nothing happened. It was so damaging because after the emotional turmoil he wanted me to feel, he brushed it off as if my hurt feelings didn’t matter. I knew so because he made it crystal clear that my feelings were irrelevant.

Stolen Clothes.

It was a weekday and he was doing his laundry. This is a centralized laundry room which is shared between all residents of the apartment complex. You need a key to enter the laundry room. I was already in bed because I was so tired from work and needed enough energy to deal with the next day. Next thing you know, he wakes me up around 2 or 3 in the morning to tell me that all of his clothes had been stolen from the laundry room.

I was still half asleep, but I genuinely felt bad that his clothes were stolen. I drifted back asleep because I will still really tired. I heard him go back outside but my body wouldn’t budge. Next thing you know, I hear him come back in. I wake up and asked him where he went. That made him so angry. He started yelling and screaming at me, telling me that I didn’t care about what happened. If I truly cared, then I would have been out there looking for his stuff with him. He then told me that ever since he had met me, bad things had started happening to him. I was now the asshole to blame.

Civil Suit.

If you’ve ever been involved in a civil suit or any type of court proceeding, you would know that things are really time consuming. There are a certain number of days you have to wait to allow the other party to respond, time frames for appeals, etc. It’s a lot of waiting. And because I had volunteered in the self-help center and went to school to become a paralegal, I knew how to file the suit properly. I agreed to help him file for a civil suit against his previous landlord. Long story short, his previous landlord broke the terms of the lease agreement and owed him a little more than two grand, most of which were expenses I had to pay for.

Apparently, the waiting time to receive his money always made him anxious and lash out at me. I would always explain what is going on, but he hated the idea of waiting. He wanted his money and he wanted it now. He would always blame me because he thought that I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t care about any of it because I was not providing the results that he was expecting. And when he finally won the case and was awarded his judgment letter, the landlord was still withholding the money owed to him.

Because they weren’t paying, he would blame me. I had wasted his time and I needed to do more to find ways to get them to pay his money. I was so confused at that point because I didn’t know what else to do. I had exhausted all favors from my lawyer friends and couldn’t pay for a lawyer to help do more. But he didn’t care. Not only was he blame shifting, he went as far as wringing my neck. It was what he regularly did and it was complete torture.

On the Regular.

At some point—I can’t remember the exact time it occurred—he just started blaming me for everything. It could have been as small as the car messing up because I drove it to him not making money because I drove my car to work. He always found something wrong and blamed me because it couldn’t have possibly been him—like ever. Could you imagine being yelled at and blamed all the time because of things that were out of your control?

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